Oh my gosh, sorry guys I fixed my problem and totally abandoned this thread without leaving a notice that I had found a solution!
Anyway, my issue was that my USB reciever was in a port on the back of my extremely large case. I play on a 40 inch TV in my living room (hardcore, right?), so I sit a good distance away from my case anyway.
Just for a size reference, this is the case:
http://www.newegg.com/Product/Produc...82E16811119225
So yeah, for future reference guys, make sure your USB receiver is on the front of your case if you use a wireless mouse.
Another tip: Goku is always right. It took me like a week to finally take his advice and switch USB ports.
