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2004-12-14, 02:50 AM
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[Ignore Me] #1 | ||
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Contributor Teh Masturbator
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This is a true story, enjoy
 [00:31] <Squeeky> So there I was right [00:32] <Squeeky> In my space shuttle [00:32] <Squeeky> The capsule was coming in, and we had to contact Moon Unit for docking procedures. [00:32] <Squeeky> Well, they didnt know cause they are cosmonauts participating in a joint effort with the United States to colonize the moon, but my mom named me Moon Unit. [00:32] <Squeeky> So I was like "Moon Unit to Moon Unit, do you copy?" [00:32] <Squeeky> They are like "We are Moon Unit, who are you" [00:33] <Squeeky> I was like "Fuck you, I'M moon unit" [00:33] <Squeeky> So we argued for a bit [00:33] <Squeeky> Then mission control came over the speaker [00:33] <Squeeky> and was like "U R BOTH MOON YEWNIT!" [00:33] <Squeeky> So we made a compromise [00:33] <Squeeky> I docked, and I walked off the craft. [00:33] <Squeeky> I looked around, the place smelled like shit. [00:33] <Squeeky> Fucking commies and their chechen barbeques [00:34] <Squeeky> Out of nowhere popped this dude with grey hair [00:34] <Squeeky> His name was Jose [00:34] <Squeeky> No, he was not mexican, he was russian [00:34] <Squeeky> I giggled at him and he got mad [00:34] <Squeeky> We we're off to a bad start, but more on that later [00:34] <Electrofreak> Had fun at space camp did you? [00:34] <Squeeky> Anyways, he led me down a long corridor [00:34] <Squeeky> Into the cafeteria [00:34] <ultraviolet> and one time, at space camp... [00:34] <Squeeky> Sitting around a big oval table were a half dozen men (not counting Jose) [00:35] <Squeeky> They were all cosmonauts on a 6 month stay on the moon [00:35] <Squeeky> They had been docked at Moon Unit for 6 months [00:35] <Squeeky> They were tired, hungry, and horny. [00:35] <Squeeky> Well, to let off a little tension they had Circle Jerks on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday. [00:35] <Squeeky> Jose usually lead it, using the stringed pea's space paste as lubricant [00:36] <Squeeky> It didnt work well, it almost exfoliated their penis's, but they didnt mind, these dudes were fucking horny. [00:36] <Squeeky> After that they usually watched an old episode of I love lucie [00:36] <Squeeky> Whenever that puerto rican dude would come on [00:36] <Squeeky> and be like "LUCIE YOU GOT SOME SPLAININ TO DO" [00:36] <Squeeky> they'd all be in stitches. [00:36] <Squeeky> The russians loved puerto ricans. [00:36] <Squeeky> Anyways [00:36] <Squeeky> I was up there for around 3 months [00:37] <Squeeky> Most of my time was spent in my rover [00:37] <Squeeky> rover wasnt a dog [00:37] <Squeeky> It was a zero-gravity buggy designed by NASA [00:37] <Squeeky> We usually would take it to the huge moon craters and launch it, but the dudes at NASA got pissed so we couldnt do that anymore [00:37] <Squeeky> After I was banned from launching the buggy [00:37] <Squeeky> I decided to take some hikes into the craters on foot [00:38] <Squeeky> Jose wanted to come along, so I said "Ok Jose" (lol) and we went on our way [00:38] <Squeeky> This particular voyage was an exciting one [00:38] <Squeeky> NASA wanted us to head into the crater MAGNUSMIXMIMAMXUMS and extract some ore [00:38] <Squeeky> The ore was in the center near the lava pits (Yes, there are lava pits on the moon, NASA just doesnt want us to know) [00:38] <Squeeky> So we hiked down into the moon crater and started extracting the ore [00:39] <Squeeky> I bent over, and as I did so Jose spanked my ass [00:39] <Squeeky> This was the first sign of homosexuality he's displayed [00:39] <Squeeky> I whisked my blaster from my holster and put 2 energy charges into his dome [00:39] <Squeeky> I fucking toasted that homo ****** [00:39] <Squeeky> Then I realized it wouldnt be hard to dispose the body of a homosexual russian named Jose [00:39] <Squeeky> So I dumped him in the lava pits and hiked back to Moon Unit [00:40] <Squeeky> When I got back, I tried to act all sad [00:40] <Squeeky> I was like "Jose was trying to get a sample and decided to jump one of the crevaces" [00:40] <Squeeky> "He didnt make it" [00:40] <Squeeky> All 6 of them cringed and sobbed [00:40] <Squeeky> I felt bad, but he touched my ass, dickhead deserved it right? [00:41] <Squeeky> After a week, everyone got over the loss of Jose and we started our expeditions again [00:41] <Squeeky> We would do two 3 man expeditions every other day [00:41] <Squeeky> the day we werent on expeditions would be used for circle jerks [00:41] <Squeeky> That excited the man [00:41] <Squeeky> men* [00:41] <Squeeky> Anyways [00:41] <Squeeky> The expiditions usually consisted of extracting ore, taking moon sand samples, and then documenting everything on TANGO FUCKWIT NINER ALPHA [00:42] * Reign has quit IRC (Ping timeout) [00:42] <Squeeky> TFNA was the computer used to transmit shit to NASA [00:42] <Squeeky> I usually had the commies use it, cause I sucked with the TFNA [00:42] <Squeeky> It always crashed on me, piece of shit made in russia [00:42] <Squeeky> in soviet russia, TFNA documents joo! [00:42] <Squeeky> keekle [00:42] <Squeeky> Anyways [00:42] <Squeeky> TFNA went down one day [00:43] <Squeeky> So we had to repair it [00:43] <Squeeky> Orion, one of the other cosmonauts was in charge of repairs and electrical wiring [00:43] <Squeeky> He got down on his knee's and went into the guts of the TFNA terminal [00:43] <Squeeky> He said "Ahh, here we go" [00:43] <Squeeky> then BAMPH [00:43] <Squeeky> fucker got zapped [00:44] <Squeeky> He cut the blue wire instead of the green one. Apparently they dont have a russian version of the popular hollywood blockbuster SPEED [00:44] <Squeeky> More when my fingers heal from all this typing [00:44] <Squeeky> Any questions so far guys? I know it's kind of long, but it's a good story. I'll continue it in a bit, off of IRC in this thread if you guys want me to. Any questions? I'll answer then until my current state of mind ceases to exist. |
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2004-12-14, 05:40 PM
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[Ignore Me] #5 | ||
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Contributor teh Sexb0t
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If I wanted to read I'd go get a book!
j/k I'm going to read it... someday. 
__________________
[ Penis removed by Hamma. ] NEVAR FORGET THE SHUNK! (The Shunk Logs.) Violated by ChiaHamma |
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2004-12-14, 08:26 PM
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[Ignore Me] #7 | ||
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Lightbulb Collector
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"Cocaine is a hell of a drug."
-R. James
__________________
The gun katas. Through analysis of thousands of recorded gunfights, the Cleric has determined that the geometric distribution of antagonists in any gun battle is a statistically predictable element. The gun kata treats the gun as a total weapon, each fluid position representing a maximum kill zone, inflicting maximum damage on the maximum number of opponents while keeping the defender clear of the statistically traditional trajectories of return fire. By the rote mastery of this art, your firing efficiency will rise by no less than 120%. The difference of a 63% increase to lethal proficiency makes the master of the gun katas an adversary not to be taken lightly. |
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2004-12-15, 06:45 AM
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[Ignore Me] #13 | ||
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Contributor teh Sexb0t
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I'll read it at work, when I'm suppose to be working...
__________________
[ Penis removed by Hamma. ] NEVAR FORGET THE SHUNK! (The Shunk Logs.) Violated by ChiaHamma |
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2004-12-15, 11:04 AM
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[Ignore Me] #15 | ||
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Major
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So there I was right, in my space shuttle.The capsule was coming in, and we had to contact Moon Unit for docking procedures. Well, they didnt know cause they are cosmonauts participating in a joint effort with the United States to colonize the moon, but my mom named me Moon Unit. So I was like "Moon Unit to Moon Unit, do you copy?"
They are like "We are Moon Unit, who are you" I was like "Fuck you, I'M moon unit" So we argued for a bit, then mission control came over the speaker and was like "U R BOTH MOON YEWNIT!" So we made a compromise; I docked, and I walked off the craft. I looked around, the place smelled like shit (fucking commies and their chechen barbeques.) Out of nowhere popped this dude with grey hair. His name was Jose. No, he was not mexican, he was Russian. I giggled at him and he got mad. We we're off to a bad start, but more on that later... Anyways, he led me down a long corridor, into the cafeteria. Sitting around a big oval table were a half dozen men (not counting Jose). They were all cosmonauts on a 6 month stay on the moon. They had been docked at Moon Unit for 6 months. They were tired, hungry, and horny. Well, to let off a little tension they had Circle Jerks on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday. Jose usually lead it, using the stringed pea's space paste as lubricant. It didnt work well, it almost exfoliated their penis's, but they didnt mind, these dudes were fucking horny. After that they usually watched an old episode of I love lucie. Whenever that puerto rican dude would come on and be like "LUCIE YOU GOT SOME SPLAININ TO DO!" they'd all be in stitches. The Russians loved puerto ricans. Anyways, I was up there for around 3 months. Most of my time was spent in my rover (rover wasnt a dog; It was a zero-gravity buggy designed by NASA.) We usually would take it to the huge moon craters and launch it, but the dudes at NASA got pissed so we couldnt do that anymore. After I was banned from launching the buggy, I decided to take some hikes into the craters on foot. Jose wanted to come along, so I said "Ok Jose" (lol) and we went on our way. This particular voyage was an exciting one; NASA wanted us to head into the crater MAGNUSMIXMIMAMXUMS and extract some ore. The ore was in the center near the lava pits (Yes, there are lava pits on the moon, NASA just doesnt want us to know). So we hiked down into the moon crater and started extracting the ore. I bent over, and as I did so Jose spanked my ass! This was the first sign of homosexuality he'd displayed. I whisked my blaster from my holster and put 2 energy charges into his dome. I fucking toasted that homo ******. Then I realized it wouldn't be hard to dispose the body of a homosexual russian named Jose, so I dumped him in the lava pits and hiked back to Moon Unit. When I got back, I tried to act all sad. I was like "Jose was trying to get a sample and decided to jump one of the crevaces." "He didnt make it." All 6 of them cringed and sobbed. I felt bad, but he touched my ass, dickhead deserved it right? After a week, everyone got over the loss of Jose and we started our expeditions again. We would do two 3 man expeditions every other day. The day we weren't on expeditions would be used for circle jerks. That excited the men. Anyways, the expiditions usually consisted of extracting ore, taking moon sand samples, and then documenting everything on TANGO FUCKWIT NINER ALPHA. TFNA was the computer used to transmit shit to NASA, (I usually had the commies use it, cause I sucked with the TFNA.) It always crashed on me, piece of shit made in russia... ["In soviet russia, TFNA documents joo!"] Anyways, TFNA went down one day, so we had to repair it. Orion, one of the other cosmonauts was in charge of repairs and electrical wiring. He got down on his knee's and went into the guts of the TFNA terminal. He said "Ahh, here we go," then 'BAMPH!' Fucker got zapped. He cut the blue wire instead of the green one. Apparently they dont have a russian version of the popular hollywood blockbuster SPEED... Now with grammar. And I read it whilst doing this.
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